juicer review, not an ad

My cold buster juice recipe: pineapple, oranges, a couple strawberries and some ginger. 

Made with: Nutribullet Slow Juicer

Instagram reel showing me make this juice

Purchased about a year ago now. I saved up for it after having a subpar experience with a cheaper centrifugal juicer at Walmart. I have since learned that slow juicing or masticating juicers are healthier. A centrifugal juicer destroys some of the nutrients because of the high powered spinning, and they usually create too many bubbles. This Nutribullet is a game changer. As long as you fully rinse it off right away, it's very easy to clean. My only issue is that sometimes celery clogs it and that can be messy, but it's an easy fix. 

Pro tip: Save the pulp from this juice in the freezer and use it later to make a smoothie. I would add a chuck of frozen banana and some oat milk. 

Well Shit, I'll be 40 this month

 My latest flow 

healing can look like this

I have some health issues, mental and otherwise. My favorite high school teacher, Mr. S, used to say, "Leanne, life is tough in the big city." I would roll my eyes. I was definitely a teenage dragon. I know he would agree. He wasn't lying about the complexity of life! How does the old saying go? "If I only knew then what I know now."  

Childhood was hard for me. My parents both suffered from severe mental disorders. I was in foster care for a time, separated from my brother for a few years, violated, taken advantage of and thrown out on the streets at 18 with no preparation for adult life. I became a young mother with nothing in my arsenal, no training or backup plan. I am envious of adults that have grown-up parents they can rely on or that taught them well. 

I stayed with my best friend's mom for a while after my dad and my new evil stepmother locked me out, shout out to Grandma Sue. After a few weeks my dad's sister, Delia, brought me to her home in Vista. Maybe she saved me from a life on the street. I really wanted to go to school for nursing, but I needed to work so she helped me get a job at her office. Aunt Dee was rough around the edges, but it was a façade. She was actually deeply soft in the middle, like me. Her son committed suicide when he was a teenager, so she knew grief and heartache like nothing I could ever imagine. She would drink the pain away sometimes and I don't blame her for that. I remember her drinking Franzia boxed wine from a plastic water bottle while she was teaching me how to drive her fox body Ford Mustang, I think it was a 1990. That car was so bad ass. She said F*** a lot. We listened to country on the way to work, we cooked together, we watched Jeopardy in front of the fireplace. We loved our German Shepherd, Kilo the drug sniffing dog. We were always doing laundry and we always laughed together. If we were at home, she almost always had a martini with a green olive in her hand, just like Kris Jenner. Just in case I ever let the F word slip, she's the reason. I used to sneak into her bathroom and sample her newest Avon perfumes. My room wasn't actually a room, it was supposed to be a private dining room with a sliding glass door that led to the patio in the backyard. I had a sweet little futon bed that me and Kilo would share. I miss her, I wish she was here to celebrate this milestone with me. Her memory brings a smile to my face. All I have now is a photo of us and a cache of sweet memories, many of which my amygdala references when making decisions. 

I have doubted myself a lot lately, and more so in the past few years as the stress got heavier. My fire, my sacral chakra, is dim right now. Maybe I have forgotten my strength, what I am capable of. Sometimes you fall off the surf board and a wave takes you under and there's nothing you can do but hold your breath for as long as it takes to get back to the surface. I realize now that Mr. Saladen was correct, that life is tough in the big city. I am learning that when making your string of decisions, the little ones are just as important as the big ones. Sometimes you f*** up and you have to change course. 

I am also learning that aging sucks. I am not what I used to be. I'm finally a bit wiser and suddenly everything wants to stop working right and my boobs are falling into my armpits. WTF. All throughout my 20's and early 30's I had the most beautiful eyelashes anyone had ever seen, a perfect natural set of F cups and the sexiest legs to ever walk the 3rd floor of my office building. My legs in a skirt were legendary and I knew it. Now I only have eyelashes on one eye due to an autoimmune condition and my legs are covered in large funny looking freckles. Things change, beauty fades. That's why it's important to work on your personality and to find your purpose in life because that's what people will remember; not boobs, eyelashes or legs. I see that now. 

I am grateful for the people and things that have come into my life. I am grateful for my Aunt Dee and her willingness to help her niece out, I was so loved. I understand life is just riding the waves and changing along with the seasons. I am okay. It's going to be okay. It's okay to protect my peace. It's okay to fall off the board sometimes. And when you read this later, Leanne, remember that you need to rely on your intuition more when making decisions. Keep doing more things that breathe fire into your soul, you beautiful Sagittarius Dragon. Work on your motherboard lady, get your head right. Feed your mind and breathe deeply from mountain tops. Even if life is a struggle sometimes, remember what a blessing it is to see 40. 

pulling an arrow from my chest

Last night I attended a group Buddhology meditation session. The speaker led us through a short meditation to look inward and ground ourselves before she delivered her message. Then she spoke extensively about the concept of "nibbana", which translates from Pali:

Applied to the mind, it refers to extinguishing the fevers of greed, hate, and delusion, the three roots of suffering.

I won't try to repeat the whole message, just a brief summary. Many times we encounter situations in life that trigger us to feel angry, deeply sad, hateful or confused. While we cannot always control those situations, we CAN practice how to control our response. It's not about perfection, it's about the journey of continually practicing. Once we have trained our minds to accept situations as they are without allowing hatred to take the wheel, we can be liberated and more clearly focus on solutions. The goal is to liberate yourself from mental pain and sadness. The speaker then lead us through a deep meditation showing us how to pull those arrows out of our hearts and cast them away.

I needed to hear that message, desperately. I was hurt and confused. Someone recently made a lot of promises to me when I was in a vulnerable state, and I moved my life around in response. When that person said they were no longer able to keep those promises, I responded in anger and confusion and even though the anger only lasted for a day or two, the confusion, mental pain, sadness and attachment remained and it was heavy. What I realized is that maybe that person is deeply damaged too, just like me. It felt good to consciously release those feelings in that moment. It was deeper than just forgiving, it was a moment of deep compassion for myself and others. The tears flowed hard and heavy, but the release of pressure was necessary. I have a lot of arrows in my heart still... from many different situations that I have been holding on to. Now the work begins on removing the arrows of trauma from my chest, one by one, so that I may be at peace. 

"The root of suffering is attachment." - Buddah

"Nothing is forever except change."- Buddah

"Do not look for a sanctuary in anyone except yourself."- Buddah

Talking to myself

Please do your best to take a break from social media for a while. I know, it's hard. Yes, it's very entertaining, informative and helps distract from the uneasy and sad feelings swirling through your gut and heart right now. You need to heal your heart a little bit. Do some standing poses to strengthen and ground your root chakra. There's plenty of other things to focus on besides IG and TV shows. Continue oversharing with your therapist. If you feel compelled to watch TV or check IG, read some of your trauma therapy book. Know your triggers. You are not a failure. You are very lovable. You are good enough. You have so much to be grateful for. You are resourceful and intelligent. You will find your way out of the maze. Remind yourself of Dr. Stutz string of pearls theory. "Things will work out" is not a cliche, it's a fact and you know it. Do your best at work but find ways to reserve enough mental energy for the pursuit of health and passion and tzedekah. Don't beat yourself up if it seems like there isn't enought time or the space isn't to your liking. Feet on the floor and out the door in the morning. Prioritize the benefits of the early morning sun, you always find answers there. Do not give yourself wholly to people that aren't capable or willing to do the same, no new relationships until you have accomplished some goals. Be more consistent with the girls now that you have your weekends back, time to draw the reigns back in. Set high character standards for your ideal future partner and be in a position to accept nothing less. Don't just listen to words, pay deeper attention to actions. Your heart never lied to you. Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Don't assume you really know someone, people change and evolve. Your sensitivity is not for everyone. Learn someones heart and soul before you give away your heart and soul. Sugar is not your friend, don't let it decieve you and don't indulge just because those around you are. You love berries, nuts, arugula, fruit, yogurt, veggies and salmon! Take care of and nuture that amazing, creative brain of yours. Get those blackout curtains you wanted for your room and do whatever it takes to set yourself up for more rejuvenating sleep. Set new goals and seek creative solutions to your concerns. Also, also be okay with having to take baby steps to get somewhere you want to go. Remember who you are. Accept the family you have, there's no such thing as a perfect family. Take in very little news right now or rely on Dave the historian for updates. Accept the world as it is, you cannot control it. Leave people alone even if your intentions are good, silence can be closure too. It's okay to miss someone else's dog. You have a huge heart, but maybe dog sit a little less. It's okay to say no to things if you need time for yourself. P.S. Hurry up and figure out your desk situation in your room! Your classes start November 1st. You're going to be able to finish what you start this time. Don't let anything except the kids or Bentley get in your way. 

  Shalom 

Me and Bentley like to think deep thoughts

if you know, you know

Break ups are hard. I don't know what else to say to expain it but if you know, you know. There are no set rules, but society and the internet have a lot to say about it. When should you move on? How do you move on? What is the appropriate time line for dating again? Can you remain friends and if you both want to, how? What is appropriate? When does the sadness go away? Should I let go of hope of rekindling, and if I should, what's the best way to do that? Everything is a trigger. Everyone will answer these differently. I think it varies becuase we are all so unique, and so are our circumstances. Not that we need to be reminded, but life is short. That's another factor. All I know is, I want to honor the love we shared and salvage the friendship. I want to forgive and be forgiven. I want to take the lessons of the past with me to help create a better future.

the pug yoga videos

I’m grieving

I’m grieving. I’ve loved one man for the past 10 years. We recently agreed it’s best that we end the relationship. There’s too much to unpack, plus it’s very private. I am unable to move past the grief. For the first time in my life I know what it’s like to really have a broken heart. It’s not just mental anguish, there is physical pain. The grief holds me down. My soul feels heavy. My spirit is sad. It’s been almost 2 months since we made this decision and it’s been a roller coaster, each dip going lower than the last. The future holds so much uncertainty now. I need to accept the things I cannot change, count my blessings, and do the best I can. I know. But right now I am just immersed in sorrow and I think I need to sit here for a while. I just need to be sad. I lost someone that I love. the pug yoga videos

It's a privilege to be uncomfortable

 

My friend has no boobs. She had breast cancer, twice. She has to take strong medications and injections every day for the next 5 years. Everyone fears cancer, but her fears are greater than most.

I see a therapist later today because I am overwhelmed with having teenagers in distance learning. My eyelashes are falling out. My rent went up, again. I am recovering from dental surgery and the stitches in my jaw are really bothering me. But I don’t have cancer so what do I have to complain about?

You know what my survivor friend told me? She didn’t say get a mammogram or a checkup, she said, “Take care of your mental health.” That was profound because what else do you really have besides your psychological condition?

My attitude can be pretty awful sometimes. I am not really someone that exudes happiness everywhere I go. But after having covid-19 I noticed that I generally have a more positive outlook. When I received the positive test result, I was most fearful that I would lose the ability to really use my lungs. I am not a marathon runner but I am a big girl who can run a few miles without stopping for a breather. The fear of not being able to breathe well was so great. I took the advice of my sister-in-law and walked every single day while I was sick; even if I had a fever, I would go to my secluded canyon with the dog and walk as much as I could. There was one day when I could only walk for about 10 minutes before I had to go back and rest. I almost passed out. It was difficult but I truly believe that by pushing myself, I saved my lungs from a worse fate. I didn’t lay on my back all day and let my lungs fill with fluid. I am not 100% the same, I still cannot smell anything. I do get winded faster than before, but I know how lucky I am. Every day since, when I wake up I look forward to breathing heavily out on the side of my favorite hill with my dog. I walked over 35 miles last month, not a whole lot but pretty good for someone who had covid. It feels like a privilege to be uncomfortable. I don’t ever want to take anything for granted. This new appreciation for my lung capacity is boosting my positivity.

What are you grateful for? 

Check out Bentley's latest pug yoga adventures... I stretch while he protects me from dangerous things, or just hangs in savasana.  

Pug Yoga Playlist

Excuse me while I do something for myself

I am currently doing a load of laundry. I have a few more minutes before I have to walk across the street to change the clothes into the dryer. It's a pain in the ass to have to do it, but I am grateful I live close to a laundromat. I need to get my own washer and dryer ASAP though. Sharing washers and dryers during the COVID pandemic is not the business.
I need to start thinking about how I will acquire my very own washer and dryer. Goal setting. Something I have historically not been good at because, well because I didn't do it.

Biggest goals for this year:
1) Save money
2) Make more money
3) Repair credit and make steps towards score of 800
4) Exercise and get my fat ass in shape, better than I have ever been
5) Make good and better decisions

I am doing really well with all of them except number 4. Is number 5 even a goal? Not really I guess but it is something I need to work on. I know what it means though, it means boss up. Get your groove back girl. Find that confidence you dropped somewhere and get your life together boo. Shut up and run. Yeah, I just quoted Robin Arzon. I need to get myself a spin bike so I can shed all the bullshit. That's what the problem is. I know what I want and then I wait because money issues get in the way. I have this single mom complex and I deny myself nice things because I don't think I am worthy. F it. I am buying myself a bike. I already took the first step, I cleared up space and moved the TV out of the way. It's gone. Now when I wake up I see an empty wall. That is where the spin bike is going. The first thing I see every day will be a spin bike. A Peloton would be the ultimate but I can't justify $2,500, so I am going with a Schwinn IC4. That's it. Final decision. It only took me 6 months to decide which bike it was going to be. It's going down.

I am excited. Gotta go, laundry calls.

Periods, nosebleeds and buffets

Okay so, sometimes being a woman is weird. The last year or so I have really started to pay attention to my cycle and the moods and emotions that come along with each week of the month. My energy and level of creativity changes so frequently. It's honestly like a different personality every single week. Right now, it is close to a week before I start bleeding to death and I feel my ADHD full force. The teenagers know me better than I know myself sometimes and I think since we live together they can pretty much gauge which personality is prevalent at any given time. But here's the hard part, while I am an experienced mood swinger, they are just at the beginning. So here I am, a middle-aged woman, living with two teenage girls. We are all going through the same thing at different times every month except they have no respect for the science behind hormonal fluctuations.You should feel for me, I do. It's hard enough managing myself let alone two young women who need wisdom and guidance on how to do this gracefully. Oye.

I am doing the best I can. (I think this thought with my hands in Shuni Mudra)

I was just interrupted because Lily has a nosebleed and I needed to mitigate the damage. Ever try getting blood out of a comforter? I don't know how some people keep their homes looking like ads for an interior design company. Oh wait, yes I do... they don't have kids or pets, and they have maids. My days off usually consist of me cleaning and doing projects at home. The girls think that because I suggest we have "cleaning parties" that I am boring. Hiring people to clean isn't actually a bad idea, it's just expensive. If I did not work it wouldn't be necessary because I can do it just fine. But now the girls are home all day long and no matter how much I teach them to clean, they aren't motivated to clean the way I like to. I think I get it from my Aunt Mary. I remember the way she taught me to clean. I went to live with her once, when I was in foster care, and I remember I was tasked with making my bed every morning. My own mother never expected me to do that, so I never learned how to properly make a bed or fold sheets. Unfortunately, during my first week there, Aunt Mary fell down and she broke her ankle. It was so bad that she had a surgery and doctors used screws and pins to reconnect the bone tissue. She wasn't supposed to be out of bed unless she needed to shower or use the restroom. But... she had to make sure all of the kids beds were made and the house was in order. She had five kids of her own. It makes me smile, thinking of her clunking her cast on the wooden floor in the hallway while on her way to check that everyone did their chores properly. She was something like a home economics teacher but with military standards. She patiently taught me again and again how to fold and tuck the corners of the sheets just right. She had to sit on a chair with her casted leg elevated on a stool, but she never failed. I remember looking at her pretty face, covered in makeup. She had greenish brown eyes and she always tried new hair styles and colors. I remember admiring her, how she seemed to be so perfect and have it all together. She didn't. But no matter what was happening behind the scenes, she would make sure her home was in order. She taught me how to take care of my babies when they were born, how to properly clean the kitchen and so much more. I miss her. I am grateful for those lessons and memories. If you had a mother like that, be grateful.

Today was another pug yoga fail. I took the yoga mat and Bentley out to a canyon trail that I don't usually go to. I was cleaning all day so we ended up going a little late. It was almost sunset and I was worried about going too far and getting stuck in the dark with rattlesnakes. I didn't find a place to put the mat down that wasn't covered in rocks or stickers. I did however do some poses as I moved through my day at home. The best was Forward Fold (Uttanasana) after I got out of the shower. I hung out there for a while and let the blood nourish my brain while I air dried and enjoyed the breeze. Uttanasana is a nice way to take pressure off of your low back and get a deep hamstring stretch at the same time. If you can't touch your toes or wrap your arms around your shins, so what. In that case, hinge at the hips, fold forward and grab your elbows and just hang out, listen to whatever your mind has to say or you could just examine your toenails.

Instead of making a yoga video today I recorded myself having dinner with the kids. It's Memorial Day, 2020. Bentley was there, begging, as usual. Burger night. I made baked beans and had already prepped a cabbage slaw and some pasta salad yesterday. I tried to do "barbecue" style foods to keep in line with tradition while we eat together at home. The county lifted the ban on restaurants earlier this week as long as the establishments follow strict guidelines. News headlines are of restaurants that are both adhering to the rules and implementing social distancing and sanitation guidelines and restaurants that are just completely ignoring them and being closed down. Salad bars and buffets are probably ancient history now. Rest in peace Souplantation, may your memory be a blessing. I am not comfortable going to a restaurant yet, maybe the occasional take-out but I am trying my best to cook meals for us at home and utilize the left overs for lunches at work. COVID-19 definitely halted a lot of traditions today. Family gatherings, beach trips, parades, barbeques, tributes all over the country were either cancelled or done virtually for the first time. I am so interested in watching how this pandemic changes things over time, to see how we evolve and adapt. I mean, buffets are gross if you think about it. Too many "what if's". What if pre-teen Becky didn't thoroughly wash her hands after changing her tampon and then went for her 4th serving of macaroni and cheese. It's probably for the best.

Here's the video

All Yoginis are not created equal

I admit it; I do not yoga every day. I truly believe that if I did yoga every single day that my life, my health and my waistline would be so much better. Still, I do not. Why?

Let me try to honestly explain why I am inconsistent. It is hard af to be consistent. That pretty much sums it up. Things like parent teacher conferences, soccer games, work and chores are the biggest energy suckers. Good on you if you consistently go home after “adulting” all day and then do a 45 minute workout session. As for me, if I do not yoga in the morning, it is almost a guarantee that I do not yoga at all that day. 

Corpse pose restores life. Dead parts of your being fall away, the ghosts are released. ~Terri Guillemets

Yesterday I did not yoga. I slept in. The whole world is closed down so I had no obligations. I skipped on chores and made the kids do the dishes. I cheated and made easy grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner. I cuddled with Bentley and I binge watched Netflix until it was time to get ready for corpse pose (savasana). I really had no excuse except that I wasn’t feeling it. In my defense, as a single parent, my stress and anxiety levels have been high due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I have not had sex in who knows how long now (being loved and touched is important to me). When I hear a sneeze or a cough at work, I hold my breath until I almost pass out. I have to wear a mask every time I leave my front door. My teenagers are at each other's throats. I got an email saying my younger daughter was kicked out of her Zoom class for disrupting the meeting by focusing the camera on her chest instead of her face (she blamed it on the dog, true story). And to top it off, my apartment is so teeny I don’t really have the space to comfortably yoga in solitude. I skipped a day, so what. Maybe watching Netflix and forgetting the current situation can be therapeutic too. Bentley approves.

Some people have it in their heads that they are a failure if they are not consistent or don’t keep up an exercise streak. You might know the feeling, when you exercise and eat right every day for a week and then you skip a day and fall into an abyss with a pint of Ben & Jerry's in each hand. Two months later, you crawl out of the hole with your stretchy pants on and dust off your exercise equipment only to repeat the cycle. If you are able to stay focused and remain consistent, keep it up, it looks great on you. If I am able to get out of the front door before sunrise and do a slow flow for 20 minutes, then that is a win in my book. If I do only three 30 minute workouts in a week, I am a huge success. 

Here’s the thing… it’s nice to know that yoga is always there for me when I need it. When my low back and hips start to ache or my thoughts race uncontrollably, I know what to do. It’s a tool. Yoga can be that tool for anyone, regardless of age, shape, pant size or experience level. I like being able to do yoga without having an instructor in front of me, it took years of inconsistent practice to learn how to do that safely. I have had amazing instructors. Yoga is about constantly learning, evolving and growing. Not just physically improving, it is also about growing your awareness. Yoga is never redundant. Or you can just be like a pug and chill. It’s cool. It’s okay to be lazy when you need to be. 

Yoga is the practice of quieting the mind. ~Patañjali

Namaste.

Ekphrastic Therapy

Ekphrasis. That is my daughters vocabulary word today. Do you know what that means?

A vivid description of a visual work of art.

I just thought it was an interesting word. Ekphrastic poetry is a thing. Have you ever seen a gorgeous painting at a museum with a poem or detailed description posted underneath? 

I call this quadtych (a 4 photo montage), “Loyalty”

"Loyalty"

I walk ahead

In silence and in faith

Knowing that even if he wanders

He will always return to my side

I started thinking about my blog, how it serves as "ekphrastic" therapy, if that makes sense. I don't know the direction of this blog yet, but it has been therapeutic to create the pug yoga videos. I am hoping the blog will give me a medium to explore and analyze my meditations and deepen my yoga practice. I started recording my yoga with Bentley for multiple reasons, one was to have memories to look back on. Memories are blessings. I cherish time with him and the girls and this will serve as a glimpse into my past when I am older. I also secretly do it to fat shame myself. Watching the videos reminds me to work on symmetry, focus and balance and to put down the bread. 

Here is my yoga flow from this morning. I took a short moment in mountain pose (Tadasana) to just breathe and reflect. This pose is all about alignment and breath. This is the basis of all yoga poses as it is here you will improve posture and summon your strength. Practicing tadasana also helps to strengthen the thighs, knees and ankles, your foundation. In the distance, I could see both Cowles and San Miguel mountains standing strong in front of me, just as they have been my entire life. I love the feeling of awe that mountains inspire. You don't have to find a beautiful view to practice yoga or to feel inspired. Remember to pause, no matter where you are or what you are doing. Just pause. Breathe. Find your strength. Remember who you are and be present.

Mountain pose is an affirmation. You can conquer anything with your natural boldness and resolute strength. Only you can reach the peak of your success. ~Terri Guillemets

Mondays can be difficult. Today I woke up at 6 am, said hello to Fern (my fern) and started my day. Washed up. Made matcha tea. Walked dog. Practiced yoga. Took a moment to greet neighbors and check in. Made bed. Made a smoothie. Prepared breakfast for the little dragons. Packed my lunch for work. Stopped and answered a call from my mom. Showered. Checked in on the kid's distance learning, even though they hate it when I do. Got dressed and tried to look presentable. Now I have to get to work by 9 am. My time management skills can be fantastic, but not every day works out as planned. Next month, I throw a college level yoga course into the mix. It has been converted to an online course due to the pandemic. We will see how that turns out. Anyway, the point is, I am proud of myself because I made time for me this morning even with all there is to do. Just 15-20 minutes can make a difference, I promise you. On the days that I make time for me, I am better for it.

In truth, yoga doesn't "take time" — it gives time. ~Ganga White, Yoga Beyond Belief: Insights to Awaken and Deepen Your Practice, 2007

Today, my boyfriend David and I have officially reached the 7 year mark in our relationship. It has been a long road, and now we are facing the COVID-19 pandemic together, while apart. I have to keep telling myself "it's fine". Things change, but relationships that endure are a thing to be cherished. I am looking forward to the rest of my life with him. To my love, if you read this, may our lives be long, healthy and filled with love and abundance. May we learn from failures and celebrate successes. Thank you for always returning to my side. I love looking at the world from mountain tops, with you. I love you long time. 

Iron Mountain, March 2020. Before the quarantine began. 

<3

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. ~Edward Abbey